My Babies

You know you aren't my first child? My only living child, yes, but not my first. God blessed me with three, you my third. I buried my first two babies, easily the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I have foggy memories, maybe that's a good thing, my subconscious protecting my heart because the pain is just too much. So when I thank God for you every day, I really thank Him because I know what loss is, and for the 9 months that you grew inside me I was afraid, afraid you wouldn't be born alive. It wasn't until I heard your first cry that I was able to really breathe, and sometimes I look at you and mourn the loss of my other two children... but still, I thank God for you every day and I appreciate you. It's especially hard when I think of the possibilities, of what could have been. I wonder how old they'd be, if we'd even be here in this same place, mentally, physically, emotionally. I realize everything would be different. Would you, my sweet baby boy, even be here, be you?! Most of all, I wonder if the sadness will ever go away, if the pain will ever get easier. Until I find an answer, if I ever do, I have you baby boy, to love, hold, and thank God for everyday.