Luke is 18-months old!

well, almost 19 now but who's counting, right ;)

this past month has been a big developmental growth spurt for luke. he's talking so much more now, he surprises us daily! his first big word was "din-a-surh." really, he said that before mommy! of course, right?! he's in love with all things dinosaur. especially the nick jr. show Dino Dan, lol, cracks us up how attentive he is to that (and only that) show! other words in his vocab: mommy, daddy, down, crawkers, duck, quack, bird, papa, whoa, and tons more that i can't think of right now. oh, he loves to shake his head "no" while saying, "no, no, no." at first we had no idea where he picked that up from, until i heard myself, "Luke! No! No! No! No!!" lol.

he's big into nodding for "yes" and shaking his head for "no." he still loves baths, LOVES! and is a great eater. he eats any and all food and it makes my life easier :)

he loves to read books and play rough with me and hubbs. he's big into biting when he gets excited (hence my, "Luke! No! No! No!!!" lol). he loves to give hugs, kisses, butterfly kisses, eskimos kisses and pats on the back.

he naps well for my mom and mil, but still gives us a hard time. on the weekends he may only take 1 nap a day (usually it's two during the week) because he just wants to stay us and play with us.

he's non-stop.

he throws things, jumps off of things, hits, bites, smacks, whacks, you name it! he's a boy's boy, definitely! he'll mow you over if you stand still too long.

we're so excited for what the next few months have in store for us and his development, i know it's going to go by in a flash!

and here are a few (haha) recent photos of him.

i'm adding these photos months later (2/01/12). i have a lot of drafts that have never been published so i'll slowing be going back, finishing up and adding photos, for memories sake.

Exhausted

that's why i haven't been around much. i'm sorry. i suck. i'm not feeling as guilty about not updating so often (i apologize, but really, the guilt was wearing on me and it was just another thing eating at me!). i try and remember why i started this blog and honestly, my life is just so different now. i miss when my life was all luke, luke, luke. i'd love to live in a narcissistic bubble that was my life while i was home with my baby boy, because really, all i did was eat, sleep and drink me some luke ;)

instead, i deal with daily stress, in a career i HATE to LOVE, trying to remember how to breathe and wondering why on God's green earth i ever thought i could do this?! maybe i gave myself too much credit. i don't know. are y'all tired of hearing this constant back-and-forth conversation i have with myself?! i am! i need therapy.

i had an anxiety attack last week. it scared the shit out of me. i sucked it up and went on my visit. on my drive home i cried. cried because i hate what this job is doing to me and cried because i pray and pray and yet i don't hear Him talking to me, telling me what to do. i've resorted to assuming that since i'm able to wake up every morning, take a shower, get dressed, and drive myself to work... THAT must be the sign that i'm meant to be here?! No?!

in all fairness. i only vent/bitch about the job when it's tough, which these days seem like every day. i do have some moments where i'm completely fulfilled in what i do. maybe those brief moments are enough to sustain me. i'm so confused.

today a father thanked me, over and over again, for the hard work that i've done with his family, for his child. i smiled and said, "don't thank me, this is my job." he shook his head and said, "no, this isn't your job, this is your calling." i wanted to cry. it took everything i had to not break down because i swear, it's been a rough week and at any given moment i think i can completely breakdown if God himself was holding me upright. in his words of gratitude you know what i felt?! guilty! for all the bitching, for all the stress, for all the sleepless nights, horrible dreams, anxiety, for it all... do you think a change of attitude can be so powerful that it can change EVERYTHING?! i'm able to think happy, positive thoughts throughout the day but i kid you not... i can't hold on to them for too long.

i feel so bipolar. in those happy moments i'm signing and smiling. returning calls and organizing referrals. answering my phone with a genuine, "Hi, this is Amber." i can tell the difference in how people respond to me, even over the phone people appreciate my good mood.

but the other 99% of the time, i'm fighting back tears. trying to get the knot down in my throat. thinking about luke's sweet smile to keep from having a complete melt down.

i go through this all.day.long! no wonder i'm exhausted, right?!

this post is depressing. on a happier note....

we're going to the zoo on friday :) maybe then i'll have pictures to share. we took luke to the park for a quick 18-month session but i haven't had an opportunity to edit them yet since i have a session in front of his. if you want to follow my photography work, you can visit me at Amber Wood Photography. i mean, it's no luke overload but i do post there more often (than here) since i'm trying to build my business (though i'm not doing anything to maret myself other than facebook).

goal for this week: breate and think positive thoughts. i'll check back in to let you know how that works out for me. if you're the praying type, please do say a prayer for me... that i find strength through Christ to get me through the day a little more gracefully.

xoxo,
amber

oh, and here are a couple of recent photos of Luke. the first was taken with my 100L at f/2.8 w/bounced flash, just playing around. i ended up really loving it because it's my boys squishy little face that i play in my mind all day long <3 the second was taken with my 50L at f/1.2 (it was SO dark out already and this is the best lens for low/no (lol) light capability).