Exhausted

that's why i haven't been around much. i'm sorry. i suck. i'm not feeling as guilty about not updating so often (i apologize, but really, the guilt was wearing on me and it was just another thing eating at me!). i try and remember why i started this blog and honestly, my life is just so different now. i miss when my life was all luke, luke, luke. i'd love to live in a narcissistic bubble that was my life while i was home with my baby boy, because really, all i did was eat, sleep and drink me some luke ;)

instead, i deal with daily stress, in a career i HATE to LOVE, trying to remember how to breathe and wondering why on God's green earth i ever thought i could do this?! maybe i gave myself too much credit. i don't know. are y'all tired of hearing this constant back-and-forth conversation i have with myself?! i am! i need therapy.

i had an anxiety attack last week. it scared the shit out of me. i sucked it up and went on my visit. on my drive home i cried. cried because i hate what this job is doing to me and cried because i pray and pray and yet i don't hear Him talking to me, telling me what to do. i've resorted to assuming that since i'm able to wake up every morning, take a shower, get dressed, and drive myself to work... THAT must be the sign that i'm meant to be here?! No?!

in all fairness. i only vent/bitch about the job when it's tough, which these days seem like every day. i do have some moments where i'm completely fulfilled in what i do. maybe those brief moments are enough to sustain me. i'm so confused.

today a father thanked me, over and over again, for the hard work that i've done with his family, for his child. i smiled and said, "don't thank me, this is my job." he shook his head and said, "no, this isn't your job, this is your calling." i wanted to cry. it took everything i had to not break down because i swear, it's been a rough week and at any given moment i think i can completely breakdown if God himself was holding me upright. in his words of gratitude you know what i felt?! guilty! for all the bitching, for all the stress, for all the sleepless nights, horrible dreams, anxiety, for it all... do you think a change of attitude can be so powerful that it can change EVERYTHING?! i'm able to think happy, positive thoughts throughout the day but i kid you not... i can't hold on to them for too long.

i feel so bipolar. in those happy moments i'm signing and smiling. returning calls and organizing referrals. answering my phone with a genuine, "Hi, this is Amber." i can tell the difference in how people respond to me, even over the phone people appreciate my good mood.

but the other 99% of the time, i'm fighting back tears. trying to get the knot down in my throat. thinking about luke's sweet smile to keep from having a complete melt down.

i go through this all.day.long! no wonder i'm exhausted, right?!

this post is depressing. on a happier note....

we're going to the zoo on friday :) maybe then i'll have pictures to share. we took luke to the park for a quick 18-month session but i haven't had an opportunity to edit them yet since i have a session in front of his. if you want to follow my photography work, you can visit me at Amber Wood Photography. i mean, it's no luke overload but i do post there more often (than here) since i'm trying to build my business (though i'm not doing anything to maret myself other than facebook).

goal for this week: breate and think positive thoughts. i'll check back in to let you know how that works out for me. if you're the praying type, please do say a prayer for me... that i find strength through Christ to get me through the day a little more gracefully.

xoxo,
amber

oh, and here are a couple of recent photos of Luke. the first was taken with my 100L at f/2.8 w/bounced flash, just playing around. i ended up really loving it because it's my boys squishy little face that i play in my mind all day long <3 the second was taken with my 50L at f/1.2 (it was SO dark out already and this is the best lens for low/no (lol) light capability).