For Me...

i have to write this. i have to get it out, off my chest out of my heart (as if that's even possible!). this is a work-related post, for me, so please skip out now if you're not interested. this post is for me. the 45 minutes of non-stop crying just isn't enough. i want to scream at the world, hit something so hard that i break my hands and feet. i want to throw glass so it shatters into a million teeny tiny pieces because life.just.sucks sometimes. i believe in God, i pray many times throughout the day and really leave it up to Him... i don't even want to go there with this post but today i heard things from a child that will leave permanent scars, i'm sure. at the end of it all i'm confused by how all this is possible; how a young child wakes every morning like millions of other children; brushes her teeth, combs her hair, packs her backpack for school; does so many everyday things just like the girl sitting next to her in math class. the only difference is this child has a secret. one so big and so bad that even a 30-year woman has a hard time hearing the vaguest of details. how does a child walk around for over two years with this big dark cloud hovering over her head, not able to escape it or allow anyone else underneath it to help absorb the pain.

this is the first real day i'm having feelings of uncertainty, thinking i can't do this job, that this job will suck up any happiness of my life, of my being, because you just can't forget the awful, horrifying things you hear and pretend you've never heard them. crying for 20 minutes in the shower is just not enough (especially when i think about her, and how much she's had to endure... for so long) and now, after all that, now i'm supposed to go to bed???