I'm literally slouched in my bed, in a somewhat upright position, football-holding my swaddled boy in my left arm while he nurses himself back to sleep, typing this post in my right hand on my iPhone... Trying not to drop it... (while thinking that, at least if I drop the phone in my right... Logan will still be safely in my left). My throat is killing me and all I can think of is I JUST WANT TO QUIT ALREADY!!!
There it is, again... DOUBT. Do I want to continue? This is hard work, do I have it in me, is it fair to my family? To Luke, to Logan, to myself? WHY am I so determined? AM I determined or am I just getting in my head again?! I imagine a life where I'm not interrupted for late night and/or early morning feedings. I can't even begin to enjoy the life I imagine because right away, BAM! it's plagued with guilt. GUILT! Ahhh, now that sounds familiar!
It's all ringing true, now. I'm sick right now, and I just started back to work, and it's an adjustment, for me, for Logan... for us all. This will pass... just like the first 4 weeks of Logan's life (which was nursing HELL! it went by in such a blur because again, i was the infamous EXHAUSTED 24/7). And WHEN this passes, IF I give up and QUIT, all I'll be left with is GUILT... and a ton of bottles!
So, here I am. Feeling better already. I just need to remember that this, too, will pass and I'll be glad I stuck with it... just like I did when I finished my thesis... and got my Master's degree... and learned how to use my camera... and got my business license... haha, I'm excited to see what the next chapter in my life will bring. More dedication, for sure, sacrifice, it's a given and most importantly... reward!
I'm a wife to the most kind and loving husband ever, a mother to two of the most beautiful baby boys you'll ever meet (Lucas, DOB 8/29/09 and Logan, DOB 12/20/11), a children's social worker by day and a photographer by night (more like, weekend). I love to bake and only cook because we need to eat. If I relied on my dear hubby to cook for us, we'd be eating bean and cheese burritos or quesadillas for dinner every night! There are so many things that I love, but most importantly, I love being a wife and mother and this is the place where I can document our life, mostly in photographs, today.
I love this post! I have been feeling the same way lately (we are going through pt hell at my house. Good times! not.), and your reality check about quitting made really think about my attitude and how much I have to be grateful for. Because, this too, shall pass :)
ReplyDeleteThanks! :)
Thanks, Amber Ellen! I come back to this post when I feel like giving up, which is almost daily! I hope things are going better in your home!!
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